65

65 million years is how old I must be to get duped this hard. Yeah, I saw the trailer and got hyped. Finally! A dinosaur movie that isn't Jurassic World. Why did it take so long? Dinosaurs are so cool!

This movie doesn’t even have real fucking dinosaurs.

Ok, let's back up. I knew this movie was going to be bad in the first 10 minutes. You can call me judgmental if you want but if you've seen it, then you know. Adam Driver has such a bizarre energy. I don't understand why he's all coked up while his wife (that we see for 5 minutes and never again) is normal. His weird behavior continues throughout the movie. What kind of amphetamines are they giving the pilots?

Sidenote: Their planet blows. They don't even have universal healthcare. You're telling me aliens have the same problems as earth WILL? It's 65 million years ago remember. Adam Driver came to earth and infected it with capitalism before man was even mouse.

Anyway, Adam (Mills) is on a long range recon mission so he can pay for his daughter's treatment for her movie child illness™. Shit goes wrong and they crash on Earth. You know it's Earth because the text hangs for a long time to give my family a chance to lift their heads from their phones and see. Blah, blah, blah, fast forward and you have everyone's favorite hot new duo - older man with young girl. This movie leans more Logan than The Last of Us by giving us a language barrier but does it far, far, worse. This does no favors for poor Ariana Greenblatt at all as I was just annoyed at her constantly through no fault of her own. Koa’s no Laura or Ellie either with her lack of survival skills. 

Also, why was a kid on a long range reconnaissance mission? Everyone but Mills, the pilot, were in stasis pods during the flight. It was meant to be a round trip so why bring a kid that’s going to be unconscious the whole time and can’t reasonably contribute to the mission? Does she need to pay for a family member’s healthcare too?

Whatever. Let’s talk about the fake dinosaurs. At first I thought they were some Komodo dragon ancestors or something, but then there was the weird bug in Koa’s mouth that had me wondering when I turned off this movie and put on The Bay. That’s when I realized it was all bullshit. This ain’t earth and these ain’t dinosaurs.

Oh, did I mention the asteroid that killed said dinosaurs is on its way right now? Like, right now. You can see it in the sky. Surviving dinosaur world isnt high enough stakes as it is I guess... better throw in a time limit. So unnecessary.

There’s just so much to complain about. This movie is not worth watching. I give it a 3/10 just for the scene where they save a dinosaur from quicksand and it gets bodied 3 seconds later. Hilarious.